What we didn't know was that part of the festivities would include sitting outside for roughly five hours during a Corps of Cadets awards presentation. (Think military academy located inside of a college - so they don't mess around when it comes to awards and ceremonies!) And it was hot. Well, the first three hours weren't so bad, really, but after a while, I think we were all hot, grumpy, and dehydrated. I went to smoke a cigarette during a break (I'd been scared off of my e-cigarette by then) and my heart raced as I realized my legs didn't feel.. right. In fact, they felt definitely, frighteningly wrong.
When you receive a TM diagnosis, you learn very quickly that about 1/3rd recover fully, 1/3rd show some recovery, and 1/3rd never show any recovery. You also learn that while rare, relapses happen. And not just the pseudo-relapse I've referenced, but true "new lesion" relapses. I am in the "some recovery" category, so any re-occurrence of symptoms is startling, to say the least. Especially since I wasn't warned that they might occur.
If true relapse is the dangerous boogeyman in the closet, pseudo relapses are a particularly irritating poltergeist looking for an opportunity to mess with us, to tap us on the shoulder in a dark hallway. Too hot? Too cold? Too stressed, dehydrated, that time of the month if you're a woman? Anything, it seems, can set off a startling reminder of the symptoms from which you thought you'd "recovered."
The funny thing is that every time it happens, it really is like the poltergeist tapping your shoulder - you can't help but jump. And all of the fear comes flooding back. What if it's a new lesion? What if my current lesion is getting bigger or re-inflamed for some reason? What if I didn't close the closet door and the boogeyman can get to me?
As with so many things TM-related, there's no answer. All you can do is squeeze your eyes tight while you wait for gnashing teeth and claws... or just a nudge to keep on moving.
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